Sometimes I wish I had no ambition
So that when I get back home at 8 one evening
and my mom asks me why I’m not married yet
I can tell her –
Tomorrow I will marry.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t someone who likes spending time alone
so that when my dad pulls me out of solitude and
demands to know when I will marry
I can tell him
Tomorrow I will marry
Sometimes I wish I was already married
So when I come home at 4 in the noon
my husband sighs and says
I love you
and I can say I love you too
and when he says where is my chai
I can say —
Fuck you bro
Sometimes I wish I didn’t like reading and writing
because somewhere I feel
it’s costing my mom a lot
to see me alone
having no idea that this is the happiest I have been
and the happiest that I will ever be.
I’m falling in love with cities sooner than I’ve fallen in love with people.
What is this fascination that won’t go away?
My grinning childhood might be stuck here or is it my heavy, remorseful body wading through teasing memories of slow afternoons?
I see my mother’s smiling face in all these cities – her body younger than mine, her energy – more reckless than your grandfather’s.
But what do I have to do with blackened buildings and curving streets?
What do I have to do with yawning dogs and blinking lights?
I can only say this – R.L Stevenson once wrote a poem on trains. Painted stations whistle by.
And sitting simply, long after I’ve abandoned the city, that line from the poem will come and bite my armpit.
What to do?
For all practical purposes,
never let your dad fool you into thinking
that you make good chai.
Because generations of women
have been pulled away from their desks
at the prime moment when inspiration has struck.
to make chai.
But don’t get up. don’t leave.
unless that cup is for you.
In that small room with purple walls
You sat on the bed, giggling like water in a moving jug.
When I tried to touch you, you slapped my hands away and giggled some more.
In the bathroom, my water was ready –
The door locked – the lights, dim.
You banged on the door with a thousand fists and twelve fingers-
I don’t remember opening the door –
But you ran in – all thousand fists and twelve fingers and fell into the tub, into my water.
When the water jumped up and fell down — one-two-three of my eyelashes drowned in it too.
In that small room with purple walls.
It begins slowly
And then, there is a slithering pause
only an explosion
up the thighs,
and then behind the ears.
Nobody dares to leave the neck behind –
that’s why it was made in the first place–
to feel goosebumps of velvet,
tipping the eyelids into a well-
there is that fleeting moment
when you are writing;
when you suddenly become aware
and how much you didn’t listen to its ticking before –
such an irony no?
that it is in these moments when we feel no time
we come out alive, like dead people out of coffins.
in my mother’s cupboard
there is the smell of naphthalene
that’s only a little stronger than
all the smells of all the houses we have lived in
my former best friend loved me very much
but sometimes she didn’t like the chappals i wore
and this she told me clearly
her long eyelashes now falling, now staying
sometimes i think you don’t like me
but that’s ok because today
i have found the courage to tell myself
that i don’t like you more
today she dropped her brand new i pad
and withdrew into a corner, shaken and dismayed
i picked it up and hugged her warmly in my mind
it’s ok, i told her — suddenly wanting to cry.