In One Year

Normally, a post like this comes at the end of the year when I have screwed up enough to want to move out of the city, when I have embarrassed myself in front of people I could only imagine saying hello to, and when I have been led to realizations about myself that aren’t too kind. But this hasn’t been a normal year for me. Or maybe I have only just begun to see it as normal. How else do I see a semester that is half filled with accomplishments and half with rejections? But here’s what I discovered.

  1. I can move on quickly and at times, guiltlessly. This has been both liberating and frightening to deal with.
  2. My best days have been days when I am able to write, read, watch a movie and each of these when I am not at home.
  3. The beginning of holidays, which for me mean invigilation and valuation depress the crap out of me.
  4. Love is no longer an immediate priority.
  5. I don’t like writing for other people. It makes me nervous.
  6. If the people that I am fond of are by my side, I don’t seem to care about who and how many are fucking me over.
  7. I am able to get over a bad class, a worse semester after a lot of whining, writing, and rum.
  8. Writing is therapeutic to the extent that it’s an immediate mood-fixer, no matter how crabby and insecure I am.
  9. Talking to my girls, another mood-fixer.
  10. Happiness is an effort on some days. Effort to do Yoga, to think of something to write, to write, to prepare for classes, to say no. Most other days, it’s the ability to say fuck you and let go.
  11. It’s easier than I thought to own my day. I just need to tweak things a little bit.
  12. Remaining angry with parents is energy-draining. They can look for all the engineer/IAS grooms they want to but they can’t drug me and take me to the mantap. And as long as I am safe in that knowledge, I can afford to be less militant.
  13. Holding a grudge against someone is the most boring thing to do. Smiling and living, on the other hand, the healthier option. And not boring at all.
  14. Defending myself from hate/ gossip is too much work and so mainstream man. Also, if I do it once, I will have to keep doing it. Singing the loudest, happiest song I know at the top my lungs is something I have never done and waiting to do.
  15. I like big lists and I cannot lie. I should do it more often just so I write.

Blazer blues

I have this whole lousy thing going on at work. Effing dress code. Not that I don’t enjoy not having to wear awful sarees. I am wearing formals so I am glad. I was bloody lazy to go hunting for a blazer so went to Jabong.com and ordered an ok looking blazer. It was delivered today. Online shopping sucks. The blazer has no collar. Summer jacket it seems.

It’s 12:01 now. Seven minutes ago, I was rereading my blog. Again. Something that I’m doing a lot these days. It’s not funny how my urges to do crazy things keep changing. A few days ago, I was considering deleting my presence off of the internet. When I told this to Maggi last evening he said that soon when I reread my blog, I will be surprised because I won’t want to kill myself. Something like that happened this morning. I read the ‘Fudge’ post and wasn’t embarrassed like I would have been. And that’s enormous for me. I didn’t feel like patting myself on the back and going all swoon. I was just happy because I didn’t want to hide my face.

In other news, my bouts of depression keep returning like waves, bigger and stronger. Last evening, when I was at PC, I felt lonely. I don’t usually feel the need for company, especially not when I’m at PC. But last evening I just felt sad and useless. I didn’t know where my life was going and what I wanted from it. Today, I want Sushi, so I am good.

This morning, I was feeling less pathetic about myself. I hung around like a goat and cleaned for a bit. I am a lot better now. I just keep having sushi cravings is all. It’s Sunday today. I wish all of it were mine. I don’t want to go out. I’m ranting now so I am going to stop.